Fuck Off Eren
by Tyki075
Summary: This is not only between HP and BB, there is a complete list inside, you do not need to know any of them... at all. It is set in the Sword Art Online universe, there are probably lots of ships but I do NOT have enough characters left in the summary to write them all down. Please give it a chance, see if you like it. Just try it, I'm begging you. CO-AUTHORED BY VETUS199914!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: WE OWN NONE OF THESE.**

**Tyki075: Hello people!**

**Vetus199914: I'm so so sorry for the info dump that is about to occur.**

**Tyki075: Alright, first things first (duh), there are so many things in this fanfiction, it is NOT just Harry Potter and Black Butler, there are SO many things, even if you don't know them we'll explain the basic plot of the story and the characters. This is also not really a first chapter, it's more of an explanation to what is about to occur so buckle your fucking seat belts and get ready to skip ahead to the next chapter if you don't want to read this shit (though I would suggest reading it).**

**Alex Rider:**

**Alex Rider (again)**

**Alan Blunt**

**Artemis Fowl:**

**Artemis Fowl (also again)**

**Holly Short**

**Attack on Titan:**

**Eren (Yes this is the dude from the title)**

**Marco (Don't get too attached... 'cause he won't stay attached)**

**Mikasa**

**Armin**

**Avatar the Last Airbender:**

**Aang**

**Zuko**

**Katara**

**Toph**

**Sokka**

**The Avengers:**

**Tony Stark**

**Steve Rogers**

**Bruce Banner**

**Thor**

**Clint Barton**

**Natasha Romanov**

**Black Butler:**

**Ciel Phantomhive**

**Sebastian Michaelis**

**Elizabeth Midford**

**Blue Exorcist:**

**Rin Okumura**

**Yukio Okumura**

**D. Gray-man:**

**Allen Walker**

**Tyki Mikk**

**Lenalee Lee**

**Lavi**

**Filth (Choaji Hans, he will be referred to as Filth this entire fanfiction)**

**Neah Walker**

**Road Kamelot**

**Darker Than Black:**

**Hei**

**Huong**

**Mao**

**November Eleventh**

**Death Note:**

**Light**

**L**

**Ryuk**

**Detective Conan/Case Closed:**

**Conan Edogawa**

**Kaito Kuroba**

**The Demon's Lexicon:**

**Alan Ryves**

**Nick Ryves**

**Jamie Crawford**

**Mae Crawford**

**Doctor Who:**

**The 10th Doctor**

**Captain Jack Harkness**

**Final Fantasy VII:**

**Cloud Strife**

**Zack Fair**

**Fullmetal Alchemist:**

**Ed Elric**

**Alphonse Elric**

**Good Omens:**

**Crowley**

**Aziraphale**

**H.I.V.E.:**

**Otto Malpense**

**Wing Fanchu**

**Laura Brand**

**Shelby Trinity**

**Harry Potter:**

**Harry Potter**

**Draco Malfoy**

**Heroes:**

**Peter Petrelli**

**Sylar**

**Homestuck:**

**Gamzee Makara**

**Karkat Vantas**

**John Egbert**

**Eridan Ampora**

**Rose Lalonde**

**Dave Strider**

**Jade Harley**

**Nepeta Leijon**

**Equius Zahhak**

**Feferi Peixes**

**Tavros Nitram**

**Aradia Megido**

**Sollux Captor**

**Kanaya Maryam**

**Vriska Serket**

**Terezi Pyrope**

**House MD:**

**Dr. Gregory House**

**Dr. James Wilson**

**How to Train Your Dragon:**

**Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III**

**Toothless**

**Infernal Devices:**

**Will Herondale**

**Jem Carstairs**

**John Dies at the End:**

**John**

**David Wong**

**Kingdom Hearts:**

**Riku**

**Sora**

**Kairi**

**Axel**

**Xion**

**Roxas**

**Aqua**

**Terra**

**Ventus**

**Legend of the Legendary Heroes:**

**Ryner Lute**

**Ferris Eris**

**Merlin:**

**Arthur Pendragon**

**Merlin**

**Mortal Instruments:**

**Magnus Bane**

**Alec Lightwood**

**Isabelle Lightwood**

**Simon Lewis**

**Jace Lightwood**

**Clarissa Fray**

**Noragami:**

**Yato**

**Yukine**

**Hiyori**

**Ouran High School Host Club:**

**Tamaki**

**Kyoya**

**Hikaru**

**Kaoru**

**Haruhi**

**Honey**

**Mori**

**Pandora Hearts:**

**Gil**

**Oz**

**Break**

**Alice**

**Percy Jackson:**

**Annabeth**

**Percy**

**Piper**

**Jason**

**Leo**

**Frank**

**Hazel**

**Thalia**

**Nico**

**Pirates of the Carribbean:**

**Captain Jack Sparrow**

**Captain Hector Barbossa**

**Potter Puppet Palls:**

**Severus Snape**

**Ron Weasley**

**Rise of the Guardians:**

**Jack Frost**

**Bunnymund**

**Septimus Heap:**

**Septimus**

**Jenna**

**Beetle**

**Simon**

**Nicko**

**Sherlock:**

**Sherlock**  
><strong>John<strong>

**Soul Eater:**

**Franken Stein (Franken Face)**

**Spirit**

**Death the Kidd**

**Liz**

**Pattie**

**Soul**

**Tsubaki**

**Black Star**

**Supernatural:**

**Sam**

**Dean**

**Castiel**

**Sword Art Online**

**Kirito**

**Asuna**

**Klein**

**Yui**

**X-Men:**

**Cyclops**

**Rogue**

**Wolverine**

**Vetus: Oh I know what you think, we're done. Ohhoho you would be wrong! We still have the Villain's List! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!**

**Tyki075: Heeeey! You can't take my lines! I typed that like two times already! Bitch!**

**Vetus: Aw! But you never let me say anything!**

**Tyki075: just get to the list already!**

**Vetus: Neh! Well, here we go!**

**Villain's List**

**Voldemort (Voldy) – Harry Potter**

**The Millennium Earl – D. Gray-man**

**The Undertaker – Black Butler**

**Medusa and Crona – Soul Eater**

**(President) Colossal Titan – Attack on Titan**

**Father and Homunculi – Fullmetal Alchemist**

**Kronos and Luke – Percy Jackson**

**The Vase – Ouran Highschool Host Club**

**Rabo – Noragami**

**Dom Daniel – Septimus Heap**

**Opal Koboi – Artemis Fowl**

**Scorpia – Alex Rider**

**Misa (Light is influencing her) – Death Note**

**Satan – Good Omens**

**Lucifer – Supernatural**

**Satan – Blue Exorcist**

**Samuel – Heroes**

**Pitch Black – Rise of the Guardians**

**Alvin the Treacherous – How to Train Your Dragon**

**Morgana – Merlin**

**Xehanort (Zanty) – Kingdom Hearts**

**The Overlord Protocol – H.I.V.E.**

**Sephiroth – Final Fantasy VII**

**Jonathan/Sebastian – the Mortal Instruments**

**Jack Noir (Jacky Boy) – Homestuck**

**The Magister – the Infernal Devices**

**Gerald – the Demon's Lexicon**

**Ozai (Fire Lord of the Fire) – Avatar: The Last Airbender**

**Korrok – John Dies at the End**

**Baskerville (Oz's Old Man) – Pandora Hearts**

**Amber – Darker Than Black**

**Sui and Kuu Orla (Those Pink Haired Shits) – Legend of the Legendary Heroes**

**The Master – Doctor Who**

**Davy Jones – Pirates of the Caribbean**

**Moriarty – Sherlock**

**Sickness, an aura, don't ask – House MD**

**Loki – the Avengers**

**Magneto – X-Men**

**Tyki075: Hahaha! I'm back in control! So, I know that this wasn't really a chapter but PLEASE bear with us, we WILL get to the actual story next chapter, we promise, just give us a chance. PLEASE! This story will be amazing, you just need to give us a chapter or two! Fav, follow, review, etc.**

**Vetus: Hasta la vista!**

**Tyki075: I hope we'll 'see' you next chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: WE DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE.**

**Tyki075: I have to say before we get started, we do not hate Eren Yeager, he is just a dick in this story and nobody likes him so they are always yelling, "Fuck off Eren!" whenever he draws near, this was, at first, just something to call the story until we came up with a better title but, since we were lazy and couldn't come up with anything and had sort of grown attached to it so we kept it.**

**Vetus: It will never be anything in my head but, "Fuck Off Eren".**

**Tyki075: So, no, we do not hate Eren, he is actually my favorite character in the Attack on Titan series (I so ship him and Levi).**

**Vetus: We changed the rating to M, not because there will be any Lemons, there won't be, but because we curse, A LOT! We have the mouths of a sailor... or two... or fifty-three... or eighty-seven... give or take...**

**Tyki075: Okay, so, not sure what to address now.**

**Vetus: Eridan is in this quite a lot so if you don't like him, try changing your mind, or don't read it... but drop a fav anyways... also, if you don't like yaoi or yuri you really shouldn't be reading this... at all... not explicit but still.**

**Tyki075: We should probably list our ships... later. Anything else that needs saying before we get into it?**

**Vetus: We'll probably switch POVs of characters and fandoms each chapter... but extra chapters are an exception and, yes, we will have those.**

**Tyki075: For you Homestuck fans, we won't be using the Troll's typing quirks, unless they are messaging anyone.**

**Vetus: Next chapter we will see the additions of characters that have been introduced into the A/Ns but first, we need to get information out and, you know... introduce characters.**

**Tyki075: There are some OCs but THEY ARE NOT MAJOR PARTS, AT ALL, THEY ARE NPCS WHO GIVE OUT QUESTS AND HELP ESTABLISH THE GAME! THEY ARE NOT VERY IMPORTANT... THEY ARE NOT MARY/GARY SUES!... I think I've made my point.**

**Vetus: If Kirito seems out of character, it's because we love the abridged series by SWEabridged on YouTube, look them up, they are amazing. Also, due to our love of this abridged there are a group of characters who are unable to open the menu, Asuna is in said group, and yes, we know what you're thinking, 'She's supposed to be badass, do you hate Asuna?' First, she is still badass, she just can't open the menu, so she's challenged. And second, just because we treat a character like shit, it does not mean we hate them, it means we love them... Unless you count Filth (Choaji from D. Gray-man), him we hate with a burning fiery passion in a platonic way for you Homestucks.**

**Tyki075: We hate him so much that not even an quantum super-computer calculating for a thousand years can even approach the amount of hate we hold for him. (This was a quote from the abridged series, yay).**

**Vetus: If you find mistakes, please tell us and we might get around to correcting it.**

**Tyki075: No one caught my Homestuck quote in our Info Dump... that I just now realize I didn't actually put in there... now I feel silly. Anywho! Let's get to the story!**

Chapter One:

All of the people of the... fandoms received a package containing a strange helmet-like device and a game called, Sword Art Online... or SAO... they were all stupid enough to try it out... things went downhill from there.

**Kirito's POV**

For some strange reason Kirito had decided to take five completely useless players under his very extensive wing and show them the art of gaming.

"Why are we here?" Karkat Vantas groaned as he feebly swung his sickle.

"Because, Karkat, we just needed another in-game experience after Sburb. Duh!" John Egbert replied gleefully.

"And why, pray tell, are _we_ here Shounen," Tyki Mikk inquired, watching in amusement as a boar rammed John in his 'precious jewels', "I mean, I love gaming as much as the next guy (who doesn't like gaming very much and has never gamed before noting that he is from the 1800s) but must we be here?"

"Well, yeah, we need to know how the game works since our weapons don't work the same way here." Allen Walker explained, hastily dodging a boar after he saw the dismal fate of John.

Kirito sighed and face-palmed as he saw the utter hopelessness of his apprentices. Two of them couldn't even open their menu despite the countless times he had shown them how.

"How do I get a weapon out!" Tyki yelled desperately.

"OPEN YOUR MENU!" Kirito yelled.

"How do I do that?" Tyki said.

"Dear lord, I don't even know where to start with you people," Kirito sighed, then he looked over at his last 'student', who was currently doing what looked sort of like snuggling with the boar, but Kirito assumed that he was actually trying to tackle the thing, "Klein! Will you stop hugging the thing and actually do some damage!"

"I'm trying but the thing won't budge!" Klein whined.

"Open your menu and access your skills!" Kirito yelled.

Everyone, but Tyki and Karkat, did so and cheered when they finally accomplished destroying their boars.

"Karkat! Why aren't you using your skills?!" John yelled as he watched Karkat get chased around by a boar.

"'Cause I don't wanna!" Karkat said.

"You can't open the menu, can you?" Allen sighed.

"Shut up! Who asked you?!" Karkat yelled, "Who are you anyways?!"

"I am the Silver Claw!" Allen announced, hands on hips proudly, his chin raised, "And he is the Lustful Butterfly." He gestured lazily to Tyki (**A/N Tyki075: This is a reference to my other fanfiction, When Demigods Meet Exorcists.)**

"I don't know what nook sniffing morons your lusus were but I'm Karkat Vantas and that idiot over there is John Egbert." Karkat said.

"Allen! Don't be ridiculous! My name is Tyki Mikk and that is my boyfriend Allen Walker." Tyki said.

"Boyfriend? You guys know each other in real life?" Kirito asked.

"Oh yes, we know each other _very_ well." Tyki purred.

"Tyki!" Allen scolded.

"Are you two together?" Tyki asked.

"I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!" John yelled.

"Sure you're not." Tyki smirked as Karkat face-palmed.

Everyone stopped as they heard a high-pitched screech coming from someone in the group, they all looked over and saw Klein getting chased around by the three boars they had totally forgotten about.

Kirito sighed and decided he was just going to get it over with, he picked up a pebble and, explaining skills as he did so, threw it at one of the boars, killing it, "Now, Mikk and Vantas, you two will take out the last ones!" He instructed.

Tyki and Karkat glanced at each other uncertainly before turning to the boar. Karkat raised his sickle and Tyki... ran in the other direction.

"Tyki! Get back there and face it like a man!" Allen yelled.

"I don't wanna! I wanna be gay and sparkly forever!" Tyki squealed, "Plus, I don't even have a weapon!"

"All players automatically get one!" Kirito yelled.

"Fine! I don't have a weapon I can actually access!" Tyki yelled, still running.

"Try to summon your Tease **(A/N Tyki's weapon in D. Gray-man)**!" Allen sighed.

Tyki stopped and tried to summon his Tease. Suddenly, a swarm of glowing purple butterflies appeared out of absolutely nowhere **(Yes, he kills people with purple butterflies)**.

"Where the hell did those come from and what the hell do you plan on doing with them!" Kirito yelled and was about to scold Tyki further when the butterflies surrounded one of the boars and by the time they dispersed there was nothing left. Kirito was shocked, and sort of jealous, there were not many beast tamers, "Well, that's one way to do things."

Everyone looked around for the other boar but only saw Karkat glaring at them.

"Karkat? Did you kill the other boar?" Kirito asked slowly.

"Yes, you batshit goddamn shitting fuck on a mountain of incredible stupidity." Karkat scowled.

Everyone gaped at him... other than John, who just face-palmed, "Karkat, don't be so rude." John moaned.

Karkat just snorted and turned away.

"Well, we need to be off, I have to get to... work." Allen said, not totally sure what to say about his job as an Exorcist. He opened the menu and looked towards the log out button but he couldn't fine it, "Um, guys. Where is the log out button?" Allen asked.

Kirito sighed, "You have got to be kidding me..." He opened his own menu but found that the log out button wasn't there, "Um, it's not there."

"So, we're stuck here?!" John gasped.

"No way..." Tyki muttered.

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!" John yelled.

"Well we cou-" Kirito began but was never able to finish because all of a sudden all of them were transported to the main square in the game.

"What the hell?" Allen asked. All around them there were players and they all looked confused.

Suddenly the sky started bleeding and soon the 'blood' turned into a huge man in a large red cloak, the hood covering his face, **(A/N The following dialogue is actual quotes from the anime that we do not own, we will tell you when they stop being direct quotes and some quotes are being said by different characters than in the anime) **"Attention, players. Welcome to my world."

"My world?" Kirito asked.

"My name is Kayaba Akihiko. As of this moment, I am the sole person who can control this world." The gamemaker, Kayaba continued.

" Is that really him? He must've spent a lot of time on this." John said in awe.

"I'm sure you've already noticed, that the log out button is missing from the main menu. But this is not a defect in the game…I repeat..this is not a defect in the game. It is a feature of Sword Art Online." Kayaba said.

"A-a feature?" Klein gasped.

"Oooh shit..." Allen muttered **(A/N This is our actual dialogue but now we are switching back to dialogue owned by the anime creators)**

"You cannot log out of SAO yourselves. And no one on the outside can shut down or remove the NerveGear. Should this be attempted the transmitter inside the NerveGear will emit a powerful microwave, destroying your brain and thus ending your life." Kayaba smirked (I just imagine him smirking at his point).

"What? Enough Already, lets go! Hey I can't get out, whats going on?" Klein yelled.

"WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS!" Kirito yelled **(Also our dialogue).**

"What's that guy talking about he's gotta be nuts. Right Kirito?" Allen said **(We're back to the anime dialogue)**.

"He's right that the transmitter's signals work just like microwaves. If the safety were disabled it could fry a brain." Kirito explained solemnly.

"Then, if we cut the power…" Allen suggested.

"No, the NerveGear has an internal battery." Kirito said, still looking at Kayaba.

"GOD DAMMIT!" Tyki yelled **(Ours)**.

"But this is crazy. What's going on?" Klein said. **(Theirs)**

"Unfortunately, several players' friends and families have ignored this warning and have attempted to remove the NerveGear. As a result, two hundred and thirteen players Are gone forever, from both Aincrad and the real world." Kayaba said.

"Two hundred and thirteen killed..." Kirito gasped, shocked.

"As you can see, news organizations across the world, are reporting all of this, including the deaths. Thus, you can assume that the danger, of a NerveGear being removed is minimal. I hope you will relax and attempt to clear the game. But I want you to remember this clearly. There is no longer any method to revive someone within the game. If your HP drops to zero, your avatar will be forever lost. and simultaneously the NerveGear will destroy your brain. There is only one mean of escape. To complete the game. You are presently on the lowest floor of Aincrad, Floor 1. If you make your way through the dungeon and defeat the Floor Boss, you may advance to the next level. Defeat the boss on Floor 100, and you will clear the game."

"Clear?" John gasped.

"What's he talking about?" Karkat scoffed.

"Y-You're just making that up!" Tyki stuttered.

"Clear all 100 floors, that's impossible! The beta testers never made it anywhere near that high!" Klein yelled.

"Finally, I've added a present from to your item storage. Please see for yourself." Kayaba said, gesturing to the crowd.

Everyone opened their inventory and discovered a mirror, when they looked into it everything shone blue and suddenly everyone looked different.

A strange grey person with stubby little orange, yellow, and red horns on their head, and a scowl planted firmly on their face walked up to Kirito, who now looked like he was around twelve with black hair and black eyes, "Who are you?" Kirito asked. **(Ours)**

"Karkat." The grey person, Karkat, said.

"Dude, I think yours was fucked up..." Kirito said after he figured out that everyone now looked like what they were actually like in the real life.

"Well fuck you too! This is what I look like normally you fleshy little sack of fragility and stupidity!" Karkat snarled.

"WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!" A short person with white hair, silver eyes and a red scar running over his left eye, yelled.

"Allen?" Kirito asked.

"Yep!" Allen said.

"You're so short!" A man with short red hair tied up in a bandanna said.

"... You remind me of someone..." Allen muttered.

"It's Klein." The man, Klein, said.

"What about you?" Kirito asked a boy with shaggy black hair, blue eyes, and glasses.

"Oh, I'm John!" The boy said.

"Where's Tyki?" Kirito asked.

"Over here!" A man with grey skin, black hair pulled back into a ponytail **(look up a picture of Tyki Mikk and you'll see, he had sort of short hair but he still manages to pull it into a ponytail... It's so sexy...)**, gold eyes, and seven crosses on his forehead.

"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE GREY PEOPLE?! WAS MINE THE ONE THAT FUCKED UP?!" Kirito yelled. When he looked around he saw even more grey people, most of them had horns like Karkat did, just bigger. Only one grey person didn't have horns and she looked sadistic.

"It's just their species..." John said.

"How?" Klein asked. **(We're back to the show's dialogue, and Klein was talking about how they have their actual looks not how they people are grey)**

"That scan. The NerveGear covers your entire head with a high-density signaling device. So it can see what our faces look like….but our height and body shape." Kirito said.

"When we first used the NerveGear it has us calibrate it, right? You had to touch your body all over." Klein said, patting himself on his arms and torso **(We refuse to say that he touched himself all over...)**

"Oh right, that must be where it got the data." Kirito nodded.

"But why, why do all this anyway?" Klein asked.

"I'm sure he'll tell us." Kirito said, pointing at Kayaba.

"Right now, you're probably wondering, 'why'. Why would Kayaba Akihiko, developer of Sword Art Online and the Nerve Gear, do all this? My goal has already been achieved. I created Sword Art Online for one reason. To create this world and intervene in it." Kayaba explained, most likely smirking again... or still.

"Kayaba!" Kirito yelled.

"And now, it is complete. This ends the tutorial for the official Sword Art Online Launch. Good luck players!" Kayaba yelled as he faded away.

Everything was silent... until, "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! THAT VOMIT-INDUCING WRENCHED BILGSACK!" Everyone turned towards Karkat. **(Back to ours)**

"Karkitty!" A voice from the crowd yelled, it came from a grey person...

Karkat grabbed onto John, "Leaving now!" and rushed out of the square.

All of the grey people with horns, "Dammit, Karkat!"

That's when it dawned on everyone, they were all stuck in this game with no escape unless they beat the entire thing.

"WE'RE FUCKED!" Someone in the crowd yelled.

The End

**Tyki075: And there it is, the actual story, not some Info Dump. How was it? It'll probably get better but I thought this was actually a good start.**

**Vetus: Che, it was totally the best of everything!... Unless you read And Then the Servants Were the Only Sane Ones Left (You can find that on Tyki075's profile, we wrote it together)**

**Karkat: Pwsh, self promoting much?**

**Tyki075: Shut up asshole! It was needed!**

**Vetus: Dammit Karkat! Nobody needs your feedback!**

**Tyki075: I don't think we actually have any announcements or hilarious conversations to go through today so I think we're done!**

**Vetus: Yep, pretty much. If you haven't, go watch Sword Art Online abridged by SWEabridged... and if you have the time watch the Attack on Titan abridged by Professional Failures. It's on YouTube as well.**

**Tyki075: Well, that's it! Fav, follow, review, point out our imminent mistakes, etc! Squadala!**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: WE DO NOT OWN ANY OF THIS SHIT**

**Vetus199914: Really Gecko-chan?**

**Tyki075: Yes, Vetus, really. AND STOP CALLING ME THAT! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!**

**Vetus: Nevah Gecko-chan!**

**Tyki075: I hate you so much...**

**Vetus: I know, I know. Also if there are any… extremely weird errors it's because we're co writing this in Google Drive for the first time instead of just having Gecko-chan scribe.**

**Tyki075: No need to give away any of our mysterious secrets and magical ways!**

**Vetus: It's revenge for revealing how we know each other in When Demigods Meet Exorcists.**

**Tyki075: *sigh* Whatever, lets just say the shit we need to say and we'll be done.**

**Vetus: Oh, if you've read/seen/cried over the newest Homestuck update, we're branching off even further into AU territory and pretending it never happened. Everyone is alive and happy.**

**Tyki075: … Until we decide to kill someone…**

**Vetus: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Now who's revealing 'our mysterious secrets and magical ways'?**

**Tyki075: I reveal shit to no man/woman!**

**Vetus: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm**

**Tyki075: Well, now that we got bickering out of the way… for now… can we just start the chapter?**

**Vetus: Sure, I'm just surprised no characters have interrupted us, Vantas seemed more than happy to butt in last A/N.**

**Tyki075: SHUT UP! YOU'LL JINX IT!**

**Karkat: WE CAN HEAR YOU ASSHOLES!**

**Tyki075: Who called it?! I did, that's who motherfuckers!**

**Gamzee: HoNk :0)**

**Tyki075: I love you man, so much.**

**Vetus, Terezi, Kanaya, and Karkat: We don't.**

**Gamzee: I'm SoRrY, mOtHeRfUcKeRs, CaN yOu RePeAt ThAt, I uNdErStOoD NoThInG aT aLl… *sways on his feet* HoNk!**

**Tyki075: Still love you, man, still love you.**

**Vetus, Terezi, Kanaya, and Karkat: Fuck both of you.**

**Gamzee: *signing* It'S a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe, HoNk, HoNk, HoNk!**

**Ciel: I'm not even in this yet and I have to come clean up your shit Vetus! Just start the chapter already!**

**Tyki075: What did you do bitch?!**

**Vetus: I might of… um… sat on Lavi for a while and stalled the ending of my only chapter posted... *Whistles innocently***

**Tyki075: *sighs* Whatever, we need to fucking get to it, so you can say nothing more! We're starting now!**

Chapter Two:

Mikasa's POV

Eren was gone, Mikasa and Armin could literally not find him ANYWHERE!

"Where the hell did he go?! He couldn't have gone that far!" Mikasa yelled, throwing her arms up in frustration.

"Er, well, we weren't keeping a very good eye on him, and you know how he tends to wander off…" Armin shrugged awkwardly.

"He's a big boy, we should not have to be watching him 24/7!" Mikasa grumbled. She did NOT want to have to search for Eren all day long, again, she was bored and fucking tired, she should not have to deal with this shit all the time.

"There aren't any Titans for him to be killed by, at least, so he should be fine… right?" Armin said hesitantly.

"True, but that also means that there are no Titans for him to kill, who do you think the unlucky bystander will be that he takes that fact out on?" Mikasa pointed out.

"God, we need to find him." Armin said, wide eyed.

"Where do we go first? We can't let him kill anyone! Not this early in the morning! Not again!" Mikasa sighed tiredly.

"Um, we could ask the small child and the scary looking guy behind him." Armin suggested.

Mikasa looked where Armin was staring and saw said people, she sighed again, "I guess it's the best we've got. Don't do anything stupid that involves me saving you. If you can do something stupid without involving my assistance though, go right ahead."

"Geez Mikasa, don't be a bitch. I'm not Eren." Armin said, rolling his eyes.

"No, but Eren's gone right now so you're filling in for him. I need _someone_ to take my bitchiness out on, you're the second best option, though it's not as fun if it's not Eren. Why aren't you Eren, Armin, why?! You're such an asshole." Mikasa yelled.

"M-meanie." Armin stuttered, tears welling up.

"You know I hate mornings! It's not my fault! Don't blame everything on me! And stop being such a pansy! Don't get your fucking panties in a twist!" Mikasa scowled at the young, girlish, boy.

Armin burst into sobs with a small squeak.

"HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO FIGHT TITANS AND GET HUMANITIES FUCKING DIGNITY BACK IF YOU HAVE NONE OF YOUR OWN!?" Mikasa screamed in Armin's face, which was now streaked with tears.

People were starting to stare.

"Dude, don't pick on little girls." A boy with an eyepatch and red hair sticking up over a green bandana scolded.

"And who the fuck are you, stupid ass pirate!?" Mikasa sneered, not bothering to correct him on his gender mistake, due to the fact that she was thinking it herself.

"Lavi Bookman. And whoever you are, I think we should get to know each other better." Lavi winked, or was it blinked? Armin just stuttered some half-assed correction about his gender.

"Mikasa Ackerman, now kindly fuck off." Mikasa grumbled, kneeing the 'pirate' where it hurts the most.

Lavi rolled on the ground in pain, before remembering in SAO no one could feel pain.

The girl next to the writhing form of Lavi snorted and let out a short "Che."

"What was that bitch? Are your undergarments in need of untwisting as well? Don't sass me chica!" Mikasa snapped at the blue-haired female. She was wearing a long black coat, her long hair was in a high ponytail, and she had a sheathed sword strapped to her waist. A scowl was planted firmly on her pretty, delicate, features, Mikasa doubted she had ever smiled before in her life, let alone laughed.

"Wait, what?!" Lavi laughed.

The girl was trembling in rage, hand on the sheath of the sword, "What did you just say, fucker?" The woman growled.

"I think we should all settle down." A still sniffeling Armin attempted to placate.

"I don't stand down from fights. I'm not you," Mikasa growled, never taking her eyes off the girly samurai, "Now, what did you want to say to me bitch?"

Lavi was too busy literally rolling around on the ground laughing to stop his comrade from leaping upon the dark haired soldier.

The two assholes, who were really in need of coffee, began rolling around, trying to land punches, kicks, stabs, even a bite or two, on the other, to no avail, though Mikasa could have sworn she licked the girl's breast, only to realize, she didn't have any. '_Oh shit.' Mikasa thought to herself, 'It's just as well, that bitc-bastard, deserved it.'_

"This is getting awkward." Armin stated to the hyperventilating Exorcist at his feet.

"Let's just enjoy it while it lasts." The young Bookman wheezed.

Both of the two perpetrators had frozen, the previously assumed girl because he was just licked, and Mikasa because she had just licked what was not, in fact, a boob.

"Did you just… lick me?" The girly man growled.

"Maybe I did. What's it to you?" Mikasa scoffed.

"What's it to me?! You just _licked _my chest!" The man exclaimed.

"It would've been a whole lot worse if you were the gender we thought you were." Mikasa said, a smirk forming on her lips.

"You mean a whole lot hotter, right? You've gotta have meant a whole lot hotter." Lavi corrected from his position on the grass, now sitting up.

Mikasa and the boy, instead of replying with words, both kicked the redhead in the face simultaneously, knocking him back on his back.

"Um, wow, this is uncomfortable." Armin stated, before turning to walk away. "I'm so done with this shit."

"And I'm done with your shit, now get me some fucking coffee you lazy pie!" Mikasa screamed.

"What if the cutie wants to stay here with me?" Lavi said suggestively.

"Baka Usagi! That kid, though girly as he may be, is obviously male! Is that eyepatch really hindering your sight so much that you can't see how flat he is?!" The yet to be named man yelled.

"Eh, like I care." Lavi shrugged.

"Shit just got fucking real." Mikasa muttered, nodding her approval.

Armin squeaked in embarrassment.

"To save you from this pervert, I order you to get me a cup of steaming hot caffeinated goodness!" Mikasa instructed with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Excuse me," The boy they were planning on talking to before a certain redhead got in the way said striding purposefully over, a smirk twisting his face. "My butler has made both coffee and tea, if you're willing to sit and talk strategy with me."

"I accept!" Mikasa yelled as soon as coffee was mentioned, shooting her hand into the air.

"Che." The girly man scoffed, though he seemed to like the idea as well.

"Wonderful. Ciel Phantomhive." The boy grinned smugly, holding out a hand with a blue ring slipped onto the thumb.

"Damn, you're short. I have to lean over just to reach your tiny hand." Mikasa said bluntly, not afraid at all of saying what she thought, which had been proven earlier.

"As much as I so enjoy hearing your opinion, we have strategy to discuss." Ciel gritted out before turning and muttering to the tall man behind him, "Sebastian, serve her decaf."

"YOU EVIL LITTLE FUCKER!" Mikasa yelled.

"Young Master, as much as I love your evil little mind, I do believe it is in your best interest to serve her caffeine as soon as possible, unless you want to deal with her utterly bitchy attitude all day." Sebastian suggested with an undertone of overwhelming sass.

"Yeeeeeeeah. I'd agree with him." Armin nodded

"If it gets her to shut her fucking mouth then I will kill you just for the damn stuff." The girly man scowled.

"Now that I can not allow, though amusing as it may be, I am forc-bound to keep him alive." Sebastian smirked.

"Yes, yes you are." Ciel growled.

"Wait, wait!" Lavi exclaimed, "We haven't even all introduced ourselves!"

"You start fuckass!" Mikasa yelled.

"O-ok!" Lavi squeaked, "I'm Lavi Bookman!"

"Mikasa Ackerman," She turned to Armin, "DON'T MAKE ME WAIT ALL DAY MAGGOT, INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"Might I point out that we have already said we would supply the coffee? The boy does not need to venture forth to get some." Sebastian said.

"Pwsh, doesn't mean I want to be around the little shit, what the fuck does coffee have to do with this?" Mikasa scoffed.

"Armin Arlert." Armin pouted. "And I thought _we _would be looking for a certain navigationally impaired Titan/human."

"Coffee will forever come before Eren." Mikasa said sagely, crossing her arms over her chest.

"You assholes, stop talking and let us fucking introduce ourselves!" The girly man scowled… again.

"Eh? I've already introduced myself." Lavi said, pointing at himself in a dumbfounded manner.

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, BAKA USAGI!" The still unamed girly man yelled.

"So now you're plural?" Ciel asked, one eyebrow raised.

"No, baka! Tailcoat over there hasn't done so either!" Girly Man growled.

'Tailcoat' sighed, "My name is Sebastian Michaelis, and you are, Mr. Girly Man?"

"Sebastian, do not be rude to the guests." Ciel warned.

Girly Man was red with rage and literally steaming, making Mikasa and Armin wonder if he was secretly a Titan-shifter, "Kanda." Girly Man hissed through clenched teeth.

"Yu Kanda to be specific, right Yu?!" Lavi said cheerfully.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Girly Man (Mikasa will never refer to him as Kanda) screamed, drawing his sword. Mikasa actually half-expected it to be fake.

"Stop yelling, Girly Man! I will offer it yet again, do your undergarments need untwisting?" Mikasa smirked.

"Mikasa…" Armin sighed.

"What do _you_ want?!" Mikasa drawled.

"Drink some coffee. You're not yourself when you're decaffeinated." He insisted.

"Bitch, don't tell me who I am! You don't know me! Who are you?!" Mikasa cried obnoxiously, waving her arms in the air frantically.

"We've known each other since we were, like, nine and I've known Eren for longer than that!" The feminine blonde frowned.

"You have no proof!"

"Do I need to bring out the pictures? _Again._" Armin facepalmed.

"PHOTOSHOP!" Mikasa accused.

"We live in a post-apocalyptic world, we don't have computers, let alone Photoshop! How do you even know what Photoshop is?!" Armin exclaimed.

"... That doesn't change anything, fraud!" She was now being completely ridiculous… though it didn't take much for her to cross that line.

"Someone, please get her some coffee, as much fun as this is to watch, I do believe we have things to be doing." Ciel sighed.

"I have some with me, Young Master." Sebastian said, magically pulling a steaming cup of coffee out from behind his back.

"Took you long enough." Ciel criticized.

"Have you had that the whole time!?" Girly Man yelled, "You made us suffer through that stupidity!?"

"Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!" Mikasa wailed, thrusting her hands and making grabby hands.

Sebastian sighed once again and handed her the cup, which she gulped down in three seconds flat.

"Where's Eren?" Mikasa asked, no trace of the once overwhelming bitchiness.

"Thank the walls." Armin sighed in relief. "We have absolutely no clue where he is."

Just as the words left Armin's mouth, Mikasa grabbed Lavi by the collar of his coat and shoved him up against a wall, "Where is he, pirate?!" She yelled in the poor teen's face.

"Well hello there, Sexy." Lavi said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Mikasa growled and muttered "Pervert," under her breath, throwing the redhead over her shoulder and grabbing onto Girly Man and shoving him up against the wall, "What about you, Girly Man!? You wanna tell me, or do you want to lose the one thing that would prove you're not a girl?!"

"What did you just say to me, bitch?" Girly Man hissed.

"Tell. Me. Where. Eren. Is." Mikasa said slowly so Girly Man was sure to understand.

"I don't even know who 'Eren' is, and if he is associated with you, I'm sure I don't want to." Girly Man sneered.

"You're completely useless." Mikasa scowled, throwing Girly Man over her shoulder as well, where he landed in a heap next to Lavi.

Ciel and Sebastian stood to the side, trying to withhold their snickering and becoming red-faced in the process.

"What are you laughing at, assholes?! You think this is funny?! Were you the ones to take Eren, huh?" Mikasa turned to the two snickering assholes, "WHERE DID YOU PUT HIM FUCKERS?!"

"Oh your little friend in a similar coat? I saw him prance off with my fiance about five hours ago." Ciel shrugged, unafraid.

"Fiance? Eren? Prance? With your _fiance_? How old _are _you?" Mikasa gaped, unfazed by the fact that Eren had been prancing.

"Arranged marriage. What can you do? At least she's my cousin so I've known her since we were little." He shrugged, not finding this weird at all.

"That is what we in Wall Rose call _incest_." Mikasa said.

"Wall Rose?" Ciel asked, intrigued.

Mikasa looked so confused that she could barely form words, "... Wh-... You-... You don't know what Wall Rose is? Have you been living under a rock all your short life?!"

"No, I mean, sure the mansion isn't very close to London, but I know the city very well and probably would have heard of a 'Wall Rose', it could be in another country though, I suppose." He frowned, not liking his lack of information.

"City? Country? London? What language are you speaking?!" Mikasa asked, cocking her head a bit.

"English?" Sebastian suggested.

"What language did you think we were speaking?" Ciel said condescendingly.

"What the hell is a London?" Mikasa said, ignoring their sassy comments.

"Well, last I checked, it was one of the biggest cities, or would you prefer the synonym _town_, in Engla-" Ciel started.

"Master, I do not think that is what she meant. Due to the fact that she does not know what we are talking about, and we do not know what she is talking about, I think we are from two different times. Don't be so sassy, Short One." Sebastian interrupted.

"A; I know, I was enjoying toying with her, and b; call me 'Short One' again and no soul for you!" Ciel scowled.

Sebastian sighed, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, but he stopped talking.

"What do you mean 'toying with her'!? I am not a toy for a child like you to play with!" Mikasa yelled indignantly.

"Everyone is a toy for you to play with when one is a child." Ciel smirked, "I just so happen to be proficient at getting what I want out of my little games."

"Oh you little fucker!" Mikasa hissed.

"Please, we do not need to get into a brawl over something so childish. And, yes Young Master, I know you are a child, it is a hard thing to forget, so no sassy comments about your age!" Sebastian said.

"I will make all the sassy comments I want." The boy scoffed.

As this was going on Armin was watching with a 'what the fuck' expression on his face while Girly Man and Lavi were lying dazed on the ground, both muttering something along the lines of, "How did that happen? How could we let that happen? I didn't even know that can happen! Can that happen?"

"Oooooohhh noooooooo" A random puppet thing said drunkenly, flying past the group and disappearing.

"The fuck?" Everyone muttered.

"Well, onto other business. I think it would be beneficial for us to form an allegiance, at least until your _precious friend_ returns." Ciel suggested.

Everyone nodded. Girly Man and Lavi weren't exactly sure why they were going along with this and not searching for their own comrades.

"Fantastic. Sebastian, find us a place to stay temporarily." Ciel commanded.

As the group followed the tall butler, the sound of a 3D Maneuvering Device sounded throughout a nearby forest. A brown-haired boy and a blonde-haired girl were swinging through the trees, literally, _through_ the trees, with smirks on their faces.

Sometime later; Armin's pants fell down without a certain 3D Maneuvering Device and belt to hold them up.

**End of Chapter Two.**

**Tyki075: The end of the chapter is nye!... actually, it's already passed but I wanted to say that. I also want to say that, don't hate us for how we portrayed Mikasa and Armin, we love them to bits, I just felt like being bitchy and interpreted that into Mikasa, I don't know what was up with Armin, ask Vetus, she was in charge of him (Gog save his soul).**

**Vetus: As much as I love him, Armin's a cry baby at times and a sass master at others. *Shrugs*.**

**Kirito: That chapter had absolutely no purpose at all!**

**Tyki075: Right you are, young grasshopper.**

**Vetus: Well, this fic is at least half crack fic, so we decided to have fun with that. There will be serious points though! I think…**

**Tyki075: There will be! People die, Vetus, that has to be serious… okay, even I can't lie that well.**

**Vetus: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.**

**Tyki075: Well, do we have anything else that really needs saying. Wait, I have something, Eren and Lizzie do NOT get together, think of it like Lizzie is making sure Eren doesn't kill anyone (though he couldn't if he tried).**

**Vetus: Like a brother-sister relationship!**

**Tyki075: Exactly. That's all I can come up with for announcements.**

**Vetus: This chapter was sort of all dialogue, don't worry, we'll work on that so DON'T POINT IT OUT IN A REVIEW.**

**Tyki075: Can I leave now? I have coffee in the machine (I actually do).**

**Vetus: When'd you have time for that?!**

**Tyki075: You would be surprised what I can accomplish, and, no, Mikasa, you get none of it.**

**Mikasa: Bitchface!**

**Armin: Oh no! Please let her have some! We just got rid of Bitchkasa!**

**Bitchkasa: What did you just call me, Armpit?!**

**Armpit: Er, Eren came up with the name, I swear!**

**Mikasa: DON'T BLAME THINGS ON PEOPLE (though I have no doubt Eren played a major part)!**

**Vetus: Break it up, break it up!**

**Tyki075: The chapter is over, stop with the bickering!**

**Ciel: And now I have to put an end to yet another chapter. Please read, review, favorite, follow, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. Sebastian made me say that. Chapter over.**


End file.
